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How to Forgive When They're Not Sorry

by Coach Da-Nay Macklin BS, CCLC

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Coaches Corner with The Conquering Coach

“You Cannot Conquer What You Will Not Confront!”

For those of us who try to be forgiving when people hurt our feelings, we hit a brick wall when they are not sorry. How do you forgive someone who is not sorry for what he or she has done?

Forgiveness requires that both parties recognize that damage was done by one of them to the other’s feelings, physical or mental wellbeing, or property. The next step is usually for the person who did the damage to apologize sincerely and offer to make amends. The injured party then accepts the apology and forgives. Finally, there is a healing of the relationship. Often, that relationship becomes even stronger because the person who did the damage understands better what matters to the other person. At the same time, the injured person experiences a form of healing through forgiveness and re-acceptance.

Unfortunately, this textbook version of forgiveness does not always fit reality. Your relationship is at a real standstill if your friend or relative in this case doesn’t believe he or she did anything wrong, or just doesn’t care. This is when you have to stop trying to fix the other person and concentrate on fixing yourself.

When someone makes a careless comment that disregards your feelings and perspective, it hurts. You are angry and frustrated, maybe even embarrassed, especially if the comment was made in front of other people you care about. Maybe the situation didn’t allow you to respond back the way you would have liked. So now everyone else thinks you agree with that person’s assessment of you.

You were wronged, and because the other person won’t apologize, it affects more than your feelings and reputation. The damage goes deep inside you. You may start feeling less worthy as a person, and less capable of defending yourself the next time around.

When you are wronged and can’t resolve things right away, you also go through actual physical changes in your body. The stress directly affects your muscular-skeletal system, stiffening your muscles, triggering backaches and headaches. It may even cause you to unconsciously clench your teeth. You could experience stomach upset and trouble sleeping. Stress hormones like cortisol are released into your bloodstream, making you quick to lose your temper, raising your blood pressure, and putting you at higher risk of cardiac problems.

You may not be able to fix the situation right away; you can’t change or fix the other person, but you CAN fix yourself! You can determine how you will respond to this seemingly impossible situation. It is not worth risking your emotional and physical health all because your friend or relative is acting immaturely. Instead, you can heal the damage you suffered by forgiving the person who wronged you. Did you know that when you can finally forgive, your body’s unhealthy responses to stress actually start to reverse themselves? Forgiveness is a reset button for your physical and emotional health.

If the person who hurt you did it unintentionally and doesn’t realize how insensitive they were, bring it up in the next day or so to let them know what they did. Preface your comments with something like, “I know you didn’t mean it, but what you said really hurt me….” If they are a good friend or loving relative, they will probably apologize on the spot. Presto…Forgiveness!

If you bring it up and you are shrugged off or belittled for being upset, then throw the ball back into they’re court by saying, “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way. I thought our relationship meant more to you than that. Friends make it a point to know what matters to the other person. As far as I am concerned, you still owe me an apology.” Then adapt whichever of the following responses fits your personal situation:

“But, whether you apologize to me or not, I am forgiving you. Maybe it will be important to you to restore our friendship sometime down the road. Right now, I’m fine, but I will miss our great times together.”

“But, whether you apologize to me or not, I am forgiving you. It’s not worth it to me to be upset over this. It doesn’t change what you did. Forgiving you just lets me get my life back in balance, and that’s what’s important. You decide what you want to do next.”

Forgiving someone who won’t say they are sorry will have a positive effect on you. You aren’t letting the other person off the hook; you are just freeing yourself from the guilt of not being able to make them apologize. It also frees you to go on with your life and continue having a functioning relationship with them. It just won’t be a trusting relationship until they act to restore it.

Forgiving someone who won’t say they are sorry will have a positive effect on them, as well—although probably not immediately. To understand how that can happen, we can refer to one of the best psychology books in the world, the Bible. One bit of advice from Proverbs makes me grin every time. The author uses the word “enemy” to refer to an adversary, or anyone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart. He said, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink. In doing so, you will heap coals of fire on his head.” This reminds me of the old cartoons where the character becomes so angry that steam shoots out of his ears. When we act kindly toward people who have wronged us, we confuse, anger, and annoy them—all because they can’t figure us out. They can’t imagine why we would return their cruelty with gentleness. But, we are secretly setting in motion a tiny miracle. They can’t help but be affected by our unexpected response. Little by little, their attitudes and behavior will change for the better.

Although the Proverbs verse did not mention forgiveness, you will need a forgiving spirit to follow this advice. Whenever someone wrongs you and you do not strike back in the same tone, this is a form of forgiveness. Make a conscious choice to forgive when others hurt you. It is better if you can forgive that person to his or her face. This will start the healing sooner, and you may be able to rebuild your relationship. If you can’t quite bring yourself to approach your injurer quite yet, at least forgive him in your own thoughts and prayers. That way, you fix yourself by triggering your own healing most importantly.

Written by Da-Nay Macklin; Da-Nay Macklin BS, CCLC has chosen her passion over everything else when she left behind several Fortune 100 companies. Today, as a certified life coach she enables thousands to achieve their goals and life purpose through her personal development blog and coaching: www.danaymacklin.com.

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